Ulquiorra's Trashy Book Review
by bandgeek9
Summary: Ulquiorra has been forced by Aizen to write a book report for Twilight. Now with Grimmjow's chapter and a Harry Potter feature!
1. Twilight

**A/N: Just a quick, written in ten minutes type of thing. Ulquiorra read Twilight. And didn't like it. Go figure.**

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My name is Ulquiorra Cifer. Lord Aizen, for reasons unknown, is forcing us to read trashy books and write book reviews about them. He had a whole box of trashy books from the world of the living and each of the Espada had to choose one. The one I chose was called Trashlight- no wait, Twilight. I have garbage on the mind. The only reason I picked Twilight was because it looked depressing and emo, like me. This turned out to be a huge mistake, but I wrote the book report anyway. Here it is.

Trashy Twilight Book Review

Twilight is trash. The plot, if it could be called a plot, is absolute garbage. Bella is pathetic trash. I could crush her in one second flat if I chose to, but I do not waste my time with such weak garbage. Maybe I should tell Yammy to step on her. She just irritates me that much. She cannot even fight her own battles and has no spiritual power. And how is it that even though she's the "new girl" in her trashy little town that about a million trashy teenage boys think they're in love with her? It makes no sense at all, I mean, who falls in love with trash? Only other trash, I suppose. James should have killed her. Unfortunately, James is also trash, and ended up being defeated by that trashy vampire wannabe.

Edward is arrogant trash. He is more like an Arrancar than a vampire, and a weak one at that. He may be able to use Sonido and Hierro, but he has no zanpakuto and no spiritual pressure. Yammy could crush him in the palm of his trashy hand. He also sparkles. Where did that come from. It reminded me of Barragan's trashy fraccion, Charlotte, or that trashy Soul Reaper, Yumichika. And he watches his trashy girlfriend sleep, even though she is 17 and he is 107. Edward is a pedophile, it seems. A billion trashy girls are in love him because of his appearance. I do not understand. What's so special about pale trash that someone happened to pour glitter in?

If I cared about your time, I would tell you not to waste it on such worthless garbage. However, I don't care, so if you want read this trashy novel, I suppose it's your loss. You can become a "fangirl" just like all the other garbage who came before you. Having completed Lord Aizen's trashy assignment, I now draw this trashy book review to a close.


	2. New Moon

Hello. I'm still Ulquiorra Cifer. It seems that Lord Aizen was not satisfied with my report on Trashli- Twilight. He thought I used the word "trash" too much. What I'm trying to say is, now I have to read the rest of the series in an effort to improve my writing skills. I wonder why existence hates me so much.

Trashy New Moon Book Review

New Moon is garbage. See, I'm trying to use synonyms. I didn't think that anything could be trashier than Twilight, but I was mistaken. That trash Edward left his trashy girlfriend in this book. That did not surprise me- I never trusted that trashy vampire impersonator in the first place. You'd think it would be good riddance, but that trashy Mary Sue garbage, Bella, seemed upset about it for some reason. This is why I'm glad I don't have one of those trashy "hearts" that the trashy human girl told me about. It leads to all sorts of misery, and I already have enough to deal with. Anyway, the departure of her trashy boyfriend turned Bella into weepy, whiney, selfish, emo garbage. I mean, more than she already was. It's the most truly pathetic thing I've ever seen. At least I'm emo for a _reason._

Then she befriended a trashy werewolf named Jacob and became slightly less emo. Jacob is garbage. He's altogether too loud and obsessed with trashy used cars and bicycles. But Bella still moped over her trashy boyfriend, and then turned into an "adrenaline junkie" as you humans call them, just to see hallucinations of him. I think Bella's brain is garbage. Either that or she doesn't have one. She jumped off a cliff, but unfortunately didn't drown, and was saved by her trashy werewolf friends. Edward's trashy psychic sister, Alice, thought she killed herself, which made Edward want to kill himself. He ran off to Italy to make some trashy vampire family ("The Volturi") angry without even checking from a different source if his trashy girlfriend was really dead or not. Edward's brain is also garbage, it appears. Maybe I should have Szayel give those two pieces of garbage an IQ test. They would both fail.

Edward's trashy girlfriend and trashy sister arrive in time to stop his trashy self from doing something completely stupid. "The Volturi" found out about it anyway, and brought them into their castle. And they survived. The Volturi are trash for not killing Edward and Bella while they had the chance. These entire trashy 561 pages of literary trainwreck garbage seemed to be a long, uneventful buildup to a vampire and werewolf war, which I suppose will be covered in the next trashy installment. I pray to anyone listening that I won't be required to read it.


	3. Twilight Movie

Lord Aizen thought that perhaps I would be more cut out for writing movie reviews. Of course, he just had to pick the Twilight movie. Ugh. Even writing the name of it causes me pain. I think I'll die if I have to write any more of these…

Trashy Twilight Movie Review

The Twilight Movie is trash. No, I take that back. It's not even worth being called trash. It is garbage that has slowly biodegraded and rotted into an oozing pile of moldy black slime. It gives trash a bad name. The main trashy actors are Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart. If I spelled their trashy names wrong, don't bother to point it out. I don't care. They both look like trashy street garbage and have clearly never seen a comb in their lives. Is it some trashy new fashion for girls to walk around dressed like trashy sluts? (Excuse the language; I can find no other word to describe the trashy girl.) This trashy garbage movie was filled with trashy "actors "who cannot act their way out of a trashy paper box. It was as utterly plotless as the trashy book, although without all the purple prose. The special effects were garbage. That trashy vampire wannabe looked like he was sweating, not sparkling, although that's nearly as bad.

Pattinson never actually did any acting at all, trashy or otherwise. He didn't even seem to know his trashy lines. (And his lines _were _trashy. Those trashy writers should be fired for being garbage). It annoyed me when the trashy fangirls squealed every time they saw his face on the screen. Bella was worse than she was in the trashy book. On top of being whiney, weepy, pathetic, clumsy, selfish, Mary Sue garbage, she was also sarcastic and cold.

The bottom line: do not watch this trashy movie, or I will be forced to cero your face off to spare this world the menace of one more trashy fangirl.

(By the way, I got a lot of strange looks while I was at the trashy movie theater. I can't understand why.)

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**A/N: Hm, I wonder why that is, Ulqui-kun.**

**Ulquiorra: I don't get it. I look completely normal.**

**Me: Well, it's not every day you see emo clowns shouting "trash" at a movie screen.**

**Ulquiorra: But it IS trash- wait, what did you just call me?**


	4. New Moon Movie

It's seems that Lord Aizen wants me to keep with movie reviews for a while- but he says that I'm not allowed to use the T word this time. It wasn't easy- I actually had to use a thesaurus. How I utterly despise my life…

New Moon Movie Review

The New Moon movie is garbage. A decaying heap of slime and debris rotting in a junkyard- or at least, that's where it belongs. It only served to remind me how completely plotless the filthy book was. Edward, of course, left his stupid girlfriend for his own selfish reasons- not that I blame him. That worthless girl is even more horrible in the movies than she was in the books, and that's saying a great deal. Did I mention that before? Even that human girl, Orihime is capable of doing _something._ Anyway, I suppose I should be getting on with telling you about the "plot" of this… movie.

Nothing happened. I'm completely serious, because I swear; it was exactly like the book. I'm not sure if that's a good recommendation or not, but moving on. Bella, who I'm positively _longing _to call the T word right now, jumped off a cliff merely to hear a hallucination of her departed boyfriend's voice. Thinking she is dead, Edward suddenly feels the urge to kill himself by setting off the temper of the Vampire Mafia. Now even I, emo as I am, know that suicide is not the answer- especially over a worthless problem like that. However, these characters have no sense whatsoever. Of course, I was hoping desperately throughout the movie that it would somehow end with everyone dying- but it didn't. There were so many opportunities to kill of that filth, why didn't they do it?!

…

And I don't believe I just wrote two entire paragraphs without using the T word once.

…

I need to use it.

…

I really, really need to use it.

…

I'm going to break if I can't use the T word once in the context of this movie!

…

…

NEW MOON IS TRASH! TRASH! TRASH! SCREW THE RULES! IF ANY OF YOU SAYS THE WORDS NEW MOON, TWILIGHT, ECLIPSE BREAKING DAWN, OR THE NAMES OF ANY OF THE ACTORS IN THAT WORTHLESS TRASHY MOVIE WITHIN A FIFTEEN MILE RADIUS OF ME, I'LL CERO YOUR HEAD OFF YOUR SHOULDERS! _DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!_

Excuse me; I think I need to take sick day.

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**A/N: My friends and I really did go to the New Moon movie, although it was only for the purpose of making fun of it. We had a fantastic time. And yes, I did actually use a thesaurus for this chapter.**


	5. Grimmjow Reviews Eclipse!

Hey. This is Grimmjow Jeagerjaques. I'm hijacking Ulquiorra's "Trashy Twilight Review" thing, as Ulquiorra is currently having a mental breakdown in his room and can't be disturbed. And frankly, the guy can't write worth crap. I thought I would read the book, because anything that can make Emo Boy show emotion must either be really good or really bad. Judging from how he had to be dragged out of the Espada meeting foaming at the mouth after reading the last one to us, I guessed the second one. Plus there's the fact that those stupid fraccion Loly and Menoly won't stop fangirling over it and are driving everyone up the wall. So anyway, I thought I'd see what all the hype was about. I'm starting where Ulqui left off, by the way.

Grimmjow's Eclipse Review

This book freaking sucked. Seriously, I looked and looked and there wasn't any kind of plot anywhere to be found. I couldn't even remember what happened right after it happened, it was that bad. I had to keep looking back to remember what was going on, and let me tell you, it gave me hell. Even now, I'm getting a massive headache thinking about it. Sheesh. I think I'm starting to understand how Ulquiorra of all people managed to blow a fuse. I had to read the f*cking book three times before I was able to get through the whole thing without falling asleep. Even then I still couldn't remember what happened, so I just looked on Wikipedia to get the "plot" synopsis. It was like a greatly consolidated version of the actual book. Not that it was any more interesting, but whatever. Here's what happened:

Two dudes fight over the main character, Bella (Who's a total b*tch, by the way) for about 400 pages of mushy, unbearable romance. I could skip twenty pages at a time and they would still be doing the same freaking thing they where doing before. I don't feel like going back to check, but I think the plot started about 450 pages, give or take, into the book. Apparently some redheaded chick had an issue with our little Mary Sue and created an army of newborn vamps to go kill her. I'm pretty sure her name's Victoria. She kinda reminds me of Aizen, in a way. Anyway, Edward, Bella's boyfriend, freaks out for another hundred or so pages because he doesn't want her to die for some reason. Shit happens. There was a fight at the end, but it all practically happens off-screen, so that's totally boring. Victoria and company all died, with only a few injuries on Team Mary Sue. It's too bad. I was starting to get into that chick. Yeah, that's pretty much it. I don't believe I wasted my time with that.

By the way, if you're wondering what book I had to read and review originally, it was some novel about a guy named Harry who has magic powers and looks like Ulquiorra.

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**A/N: I wasn't kidding about not being able to remember the plot. When I wrote this, I couldn't remember either. I actually had to flip back through the book to figure out what happened.**

And yes, Grimmjow read Harry Potter. ^^


	6. Grimmjow Reviews Harry Potter!

**A/N: Due to many requests, I'm doing Grimmjow's review of Harry Potter as a short interlude. Flames will be given to Louis de Pointe du Lac for his personal enjoyment. (Seriously though, I actually really **_**like **_**Harry Potter and the opinions of Grimmjow are not necessarily my own opinions.)**

Yo, Grimmjow here. So, Aizen feels like we Espada are somehow "not educated enough" and that the solution is to make us read some Living World books. Which is totally not cool because reading is for losers like Ulquiorra, who wasn't even exempt from the assignment. Besides, who wants to read a book written by_ a human? _Anyway, I would have just pretended to read a book, but Aizen wanted us to write _reviews _on them, no Wikipedia allowed. And Ulquiorra cero'd my computer, so…

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

_So, _there's this guy named Harry Potter, right? First impression was that he looked like Ulquiorra: Black hair, green eyes, pale, and skinny-to-the-point-of-anorexic-but-not-really. His parents were, of course, dead (really, can you expect anything different? This is a freaking kids' book), and so he has to spend those awful preteen years being pushed around by his d**che bag of a cousin and aunt and uncle and being hugged by complete strangers.

Then he gets this letter from a guy called Hagrid (think a hairier version of Yammy) inviting him to a magic school called Hogwarts (where is the author chick getting these names?). The rest of that part I kinda skimmed over, but they got his supplies and shit, and then Ulqui- I mean Harry, went to school. Oh, and he's famous now. While there, he made friends with a ginger kid and one of those brainy-but-ugly girls. Can't be bothered to remember their names. I think the girl was "Hermy-own" or something along those lines. He's always being told he has his mother's eyes, like in every single mother freaking chapter. Really, we get that he has green eyes. _MOVING ON._

Then Harry made an enemy called Malfoy who's only ever called by his last name. They might have dropped his given name in there someplace, but I missed it.

Oh, and one of Harry's teachers turned out to be a pedo-slash-evil-minion who was physically merged with the Dark Lord himself and wanted to destroy Harry once and for all while taking over the wizarding world with a magical rock. He was creepy, like Ichimaru creepy.

They play sports on broomsticks.

And, that's all I can remember. Ciao!

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**A/N: So, an explanation. I kind of like writing in Grimmjow's PoV- he seems to me like the kind of person who just randomly throws stuff in as he remembers it. I'm thinki****ng of branching off this series by having other Espada review other books. (After, of course, Szayel reviews Breaking Dawn.)**


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